The Pain Before the Storm

In March 2020, my back started hurting.  I thought March’s back pain was simply from moving the wrong way or picking up a box that was too heavy, and I took to my usual pain relief methods to manage it. 

As the days passed and the country headed toward mandatory shelter-in-place orders in response to the COVID pandemic, I noticed that my back pain not only continued but worsened, and none of my regular pain management methods lessened it.  My county went to shelter-in-place, and I had to go to the office to pick up my computer.  I drove into the office to pick up my computer in literal tears because the pain was so intense; still, I thought I had only thrown something out in my back.

While working from home, I initially sat at my desk in a computer chair, but every time I got up from my chair, my back pain intensified. I immediately took note of how much different this pain was from the back pain I had experienced; This pain was unbearable. I decided to work from my bed instead to see if the pain would subside, but nope….that didn’t work it either. So, I finally made an appointment with my doctor. 

I dressed in all of my protective and preventive equipment – latex gloves, a head wrap, and an N95 mask and drove to her office. She initially thought I might have suffered a slipped disc, so she ordered an MRI. I got the MRI done the same day, and went back home to await the results, still in ever increasing pain. 

A week, later, she called me for a virtual visit to discuss the MRI findings. I turned on my computer and settled into my bed as comfortably as I could and listened. We exchanged our regular pleasantries first, and then she said, “there are lesions on your spine…” The doctor kept talking, but I kind of zoned out for a few minutes. By the time I came back to that moment, I heard her say she normally sends her patients to MD Anderson, but COVID presented several obstacles to getting into the hospital. She suggested that I wait for word from her on what hospital she could get me into for further testing and asked that I stay put and continue to manage my pain as best I could from home. If, at any point the pain got exceedingly worse, she recommended I go to an ER. 

I sat frozen in place after the call ended. I thought to myself, “What in the world just happened? MD Anderson….that’s the cancer center in Houston, Texas. How did we get from a slipped disc to the cancer center???” I shared this news with my sons and close family members, who by now, had convened to become my caretaking team, but I remained somewhat in shock. Aside from processing the possibility of having cancer on my spine, I also tried to process the entire ordeal within the framework of an uncontrolled, fast-moving viral pandemic. I could not even begin to understand how I would maneuver through it all. 

In the meantime, my doctor sent in prescriptions for strong pain meds, and my mobility became severely limited. This went on through early spring. On April 12^th, I turned 50 years old. My family organized a birthday drive-by to celebrate with me. I sat out on my patio with my two sons, who both had their masks on, and watched my family parade back and forth in front of my apartment. All of my cousins, their children, and my 80-year-old aunt, sang and danced, honked their horns, and waved posters in celebration of this major milestone I’d just reached. It was so funny when my neighbor even joined in the festivities. 

Despite the joy I felt that day, I was still in so much pain. I just recently saw a picture taken of me that day, and I could see the discomfort in my face. I was, and I still am so grateful for my family and that moment, but to look back on it now is eerie. After the parade ended and my family left, my sons helped lift me off of my patio couch and slowly walked me back inside. 

Days went by as I still waited on word from my doctor on what hospital would take me in during a pandemic. The wait was horrific. The pain continued to increase as I became confined to my bed…more than anything, I prayed that something or someone would make the pain stop. I simply could not function. The pain became so intense, I began to hallucinate and replay very vivid dreams every time I’d fall asleep. 

One reoccurring dream involved me living at the top of a multi-level cocoon house with other people. Every day, my housemates and I struggled relentlessly to escape this cocoon house to no avail. We simply could not break free. There were people standing and moving about outside the house, but the house sucked them in, and they joined the ranks of the trapped. For several days, I kept having the same awful dream, and to this day, I don’t understand the significance of the cocoon, the people, or getting trapped, which frustrated me greatly. 

Through all of this, I continued to work during my waking hours. I’d prop my laptop up on my knees as I laid on my back in the bed. During my breaks, I’d log off and go straight to sleep; The pain was utterly exhausting. After my breaks ended, I’d sign back on, and continue to work, and this was the cycle of my days – work, sleep, hurt – up to the day I received the phone call from the case manager requesting additional information.  She asked how long I had been in pain and I replied since March, but it intensified over the past three weeks.  I later received a call from my doctor’s office instructing me to go to the ER of the hospital that would be treating me.